Life is so freaking hard en so unfair. Why am I the one who is in pain? What did I do wrong? But that’s just the thing. I did nothing wrong, of course I made some mistakes here and there but I’m very sure I do not deserve to be drowning in my own sadness. Yet here I am, waiting for the day to be over. Always telling people that I will be okay, that I am okay, that I am fine but I am not.
And I want to scream that I am not! But I don’t. And why don’t I? I mean I really want to let everyone know how much I’m suffering. I want people to know that I feel like shit. But deep down I know that even if I do tell them that I don’t feel okay they still won’t understand.
Sometimes I just wished I was really sick. For example when you are sick, people will understand you and they will be compassionate. But when you have a depression it cannot be seen from the outside and they expect it to be over in a week or two.
But depression won’t come and go. It’s there. The pain is there all the time. When you see people with depression laugh it does not mean it is over. We can still have moment where we feel a bit of happiness. But don’t make the mistake to think that the pain at that moment is gone. It is still there! Only at that moment the joy prevails. But the second the joy disappears, the pain will be there falling on you like a bomb. And the moment it does, the pain will be ten times worse than it was before the happiness.
At that moment you just wished your brain could stop with thinking. You want it to stop hurting yourself. You want to be as happy as you were minutes ago but at that moment you think it is impossible to be ever happy again. You want it to stop. You think there is nothing left. Everything seems like hell.
You want to end it. There is nothing else on your mind then ending the pain. And when there are people around you they can say it all and try there hardest to make you feel better. But it won’t matter. I mean it does but then again it doesn’t. If there are people around us, even if it is over the phone, the chance that we will hurt ourselves is so much smaller. But people won’t soften the pain we have. No words can make it feel better.
The only one who can make it feel better is you.